Waking Up

It’s 3:00 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I’m not sure if it’s because of the heat or because I feel like I just woke up. This was a tough year for me thus far. For the first time, perhaps ever, I truly felt disconnected from my parents. Someone who was a heavy influence on my life committed suicide in March. In the beginning of the year, I moved out of my girlfriend’s condo. More recently, we stopped dating altogether. It’s felt like a lot of loss.

The loss of my Nino as my partner in life was my breaking point. I fell deep into self pity for a while. I have amazing people in my life. Some tolerated my pity party while others gave me just the right direction I needed. Tonight I am extremely content with my life. Furthermore, I’m really excited about my future. I haven’t felt this way in some time.

I’ve had a series of profound realizations about why I am the way I am. They’ve finally come together to form a complete picture that I can work with. The confusion, not understanding why I was doing the things I kept doing, drove me nearly insane. For a while, I could truly see myself going the way of my dear friend Megan.

I have more trials ahead of me. I know what some of them will be. I was scared of them. In particular, I was scared to take them on myself. I realize now, that if I’m going to handle the heavy loads, I need solid ground under my feet. I’m the kind of guy who lives in the clouds. It’s easy for me to float away. I was just making plans to float on off to outter space.

Turns out, there’s a lot of really wonderful people down here on the ground and I just happened to be surrounded by a cluster of some particularly amazing people. I’m proud and grateful to be where I am right now, today. I love my job and my coworkers. I’m proud of the work I’ve done. I love my home and my house mates. I love me, the skills and knowledge I’ve developed, the way I’ve taken care of myself, and the uniqueness that makes me me.

One week ago, I couldn’t sleep or eat. I was begging the universe to give me back the things I lost. Tonight, I don’t miss them. There’s one thing, in particular, that I do hope comes back around, but my reasons are different now.

I’ve lost my fear and am left with nothing but happy. I’ve carried this with me for so long… but I feel like I finally released a demon. This blog entry barely begins to describe the joy.

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