Let’s start this blog post with a definition, the definition of virility. According to Wikipedia:

Virility refers to any of a wide range of masculine characteristics viewed positively. It is not applicable to women or to negative characteristics.

Those of us that are men, and that’s about half of us, have probably – at some point – thought about what it means to be a man. Sure we get to pee standing up without the aid of special hardware, but what else is there? Often times people ask, what does it mean to be a real man? The nice thing about the word “virility” is that no matter how our society changes, the word itself still retains the same meaning. The traits that make up virility today may not be the same by society’s standards 100 years from now; however, virility is defined as the positive traits, whatever those may be.

This brings us to a brilliantly confusing discussion, what defines virility today? This question is important to me. I’ve spent a lot of time working on it. It truly seems to me that, in our current time, we lack clear positive role models. We live in a time when our counter parts, women, have changed significantly over the past few generations. Powerful role models have shaped and changed the concept of what a woman should be. Where are the male counterparts?

As I’ve worked on this problem for myself, I keep encountering paradoxes. It’s difficult to form any clear conclusions to build a strong framework around. However, I have recently come to a powerful conclusion on the issue of control. I’ve noticed patterns in nearly every human interaction that can be discussed in terms of control. The conclusion I’ve drawn can be viewed in two parts, external and internal. First, lets discuss the external:

A man of virility does not exhibit control over another individual.

This concept is easy to grasp and extremely difficult to actualize. I believe that controlling others was once a trait of virility. It’s easily confused with leadership and strength. In fact, I would say that it takes a great deal of strength to maintain control over others. However, such behaviors often manifest from insecurity. A modern man of virility grants every human individual bot the right and the responsibility for personal choice. The word “responsibility” is important here. There are those that, for some reason, seek domination. These behaviors also seem to manifest from insecurities. A man of virility is aware of his individuality and seeks to be surrounded by those who are also aware. That said, lets move on to the internal component:

A man of virility does not allow others to control him.

This is a more difficult concept to fully grasp. When we consider who has control over us, a lot of gray areas arise. Not allowing others to control you does not mean walking up and spitting in a police officer’s face. However, it does mean that when you look at a police officer, you are fully aware that you can spit in his face if you choose. This may seem silly in this context, but when extended to relationships, it starts to show value.

If a man allows another to control him, he will appear weak. In our modern culture, a weak man is not an attractive man. A weak man will be used and tossed aside. This is rarely more obvious than in the mating game. Yield to a woman’s every wish, and watch her sleep with someone else.

If a man attempts to exhibit control, he will attract the weak. In the mating game, a man might find himself sorting through the emotional drama of a needy clingy woman. It’s hard enough to find happiness for yourself, no man should be responsible for the happiness of two people.

It is extremely difficult to maintain a life flow that follows both of these principles. While it may seem that, at times, the two come into conflict – they don’t. This can be seen, again, in the mating game. When a man has control over himself and shows absolutely no intent to control another, he attracts a certain type of individual. Once again, this is highly pronounced in the mating game. Such a man is extremely attractive to women, showing confidence and general satisfaction.

This is when a true kind of magic can happen. A man who is in control of himself but unwilling to control another can only attract a woman with the same traits. Upon an encounter with such a woman, both can have the confidence of knowing that any mutual desires are truly mutual and not a product of manipulation.